BACKGROUND STORY: I was raised in McAlester, Oklahoma and I went to a small – and by small I mean absolutely tiny – Christian school associated with my dad’s church from pre-K to 8th grade. My 8th grade graduating class had 8 people in it. Yes, you read that right I said 8 people, as in EIGHT.
Needless to say, the “P” word – POPULAR – wasn’t one that was used much in my elementary career. In fact, I don’t even remember hearing it once if I’m being honest. I guess in a class of eight people, you were “popular” just by showing up and let’s be honest…that was probably for the best since those glasses and that crazy hair was doing me zero favors in the making friends category.
Fast forward twenty-five plus years later and now I’m a mother. Everything – and I do mean EVERYTHING – is different when you are a mother. I once read a quote that said, “Being a mother is to make the decision to forever have your heart walking around outside of your body.” I would say that sums it up. As a mother of three, I have three pieces of my heart walking around outside of my body. I want to protect them from all hurt, both physical and emotional. I want to keep them from any harm. I want them to never have to feel what it feels like to be excluded. I don’t want them to ever experience self doubt or insecurity. I want them to have friends who are always nice to them. I want them to always be happy. I want them to never have to hurt, even though I know how unrealistic that is. It’s just the way we are wired as mothers. We want to protect.
That’s why several months ago when I first heard that dreaded word – the “P” word – it made me sick and if I’m being honest, a little bit angry for reasons that I didn’t quite understand in the moment.
POPULAR? Seriously did I just hear that? Why are my kids using the word popular? Is this really happening? Surely not yet? They are too young. Why are they even saying that? That is so stupid. I hate that word.
As I asked them questions, I realized that my kids had been at a party where an older child had singled one of my kid’s out in a room full of people and told my child they weren’t popular. I saw the hurt on my child’s face when that moment was relived. I could tell that the comment stung. I could tell there was confusion and pain and sadness, and I wanted to take the pain away. So here is what I said:
This is an open letter to all of my kids and any other kids, or maybe even some parents out there, who need to read this.
Popular.
What is Popular anyway?
It’s just a word. It’s just one little word.
Yet all over this country and maybe even all over the world, there are kids hurting over this stupid, meaningless little word. There are girls who are developing eating disorders because of this word. There are kids who are eating lunch alone in a bathroom because of this word. There are children who are developing life long insecurities and self doubt because of this word. There are even kids who are ending their lives because of this word. How tragic. One word. One stupid, meaningless little word but somehow it has the power to cause so much pain. Why does one little word have so much power over you? Why does one stupid little word have the power to hurt you?
My beautiful, smart, talented, funny and loving children….Popular is JUST a word. Don’t allow it to have power over you. Don’t allow it to define you or make you question yourself. It’s a meaningless word that CHILDREN – as in young people who are not yet grown, have no maturity, very little life experience, and no concept whatsoever of the big picture of life, choose to assign or not to assign to other children. It is a word that CHILDREN – bestow upon other children based upon what they wear, or where they sit at lunch, or how they play a sport, or if they have that new Rustic Cuff bracelet that is just oh so hot off the press, or if they fix their hair a certain way and act like they are all that. Sometimes it’s even a word that children bestow upon other children who are in actuality, mean to other people and exclusive.
The bottom line is this: Popular is just a word, and you are SO SO SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
Be defined by your character. BE KIND. Be the person who invites the new kid who knows no one to sit with you at lunch. Be compassionate. Care about other people’s feelings and treat other people the way you want to be treated. Be smart. Because you know what’s really cool? Being intelligent and well-read and taking pride in your schoolwork. Be passionate. Be ambitious. Set goals for yourself that you want to accomplish and work toward those goals with confidence. Be trustworthy. Be generous. Be thoughtful. Be funny. Make people laugh and feel good about themselves. Don’t be exclusive. Let me repeat that one. DON’T BE EXCLUSIVE. Make people around you feel welcome and included instead of lonely and rejected. Be funny and witty. Make people laugh. Make people laugh hard. Make people around you feel joyful and happy. Lift people up with your presence instead of tearing them down. Be well-rounded. Learn to play a musical instrument and draw and write that book you’ve been working on. Do what makes YOU happy. Be dependable. Be honest. Have integrity. Be positive. Be respectful. Be genuine. Be a leader.
Be SO much more than just popular.
So to anyone out there reading my little letter to my kids, I say this: What if we encouraged our children to stop using that word? What if every time we heard it we told our children it was a stupid, meaningless word and not to say it? What if we told them to define someone by their true character rather than by a word that means nothing? What if we completely took the world POPULAR out of our vocabulary and out of our children’s vocabulary? What if we stopped saying it and told our children to stop saying it, so that it would no longer have the power to hurt our children?
What if we realized how worthless the word Popular is?
Happy first day of school to my three little babies. I hope you will always, always be so much more than Popular. It’s just a stupid word and you are so much more than that.
I’
