I photographed a wedding a few weeks ago and as I spent hours editing pictures, I realized something—I have photographed nearly fifty weddings.
Now I’m not saying that being a wedding photographer makes me an expert on marriage, but I am saying that the almost 14 years of marriage I have lived and fought through have afforded me the right to at least speak on the subject matter; and I most definitely have a few things that I want to say to any girl in a pretty white dress, including my own nieces and my very own daughter who I will undoubtedly make read this post when they come to me one day and tell me they are ready to put on that pretty white dress.
I have listened to beautiful brides in a white dress smile and say their wedding vows more times than I can count. I have listened to preacher after preacher give his speech about marriage to excited brides and grooms. I have watched couple after couple put rings on each other’s fingers and excitedly say “til death do us part.” But for some reason, the more weddings I sit through—and if I’m being honest, the more failed marriages I hear about—the more I struggle with not pulling a Zack Morris in the middle of the wedding ceremony when one of my bride and grooms start to say their vows.
What does “pull a Zack Morris” mean? Well come on now. Who didn’t watch Saved By the Bell growing up? Remember when Zack got to call a time out in the middle of the show and talk to the camera? Well, that’s exactly what I want to do to the bride and groom when they are saying their wedding vows. No, I’ve never done it because—well—that would be extremely rude and I’m guessing no one would ever hire me again if I pulled a stunt like that.
So…since I’m not looking to get fired, I have refrained from the Zack Morris timeout during my weddings and instead, I’m writing my thoughts and feelings down here on this blog instead. This is what I want to say to any girl in the white dress…
LISTEN TO WHAT YOU’RE SAYING. Funny thing is, it’s all right there in the vows. Interestingly enough, it turns out that weddings vows aren’t just a bunch of meaningless words you are speaking so that you can get the ceremony over with as soon as possible and get to the reception to dance with all your friends. It’s not just about how pretty you look in your dress and how handsome the groom looks in his tux. Every single thing that you need to know about marriage; everything that you need to be prepared to spend the rest of your life with someone; it’s right there in your wedding vows, if you will just LISTEN. So this is me—fourteen years down the road— saying, “Hey girl in the white dress, Don’t be so caught up in that pretty white dress and the party and the details and the flowers and the bridesmaids dresses, that you forget why you are really there. You are there to commit to spend the rest of your life with someone: for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. So you might want to listen up and think about what you are really saying when you speak these words.”
FOR BETTER FOR WORSE
The “for better” part is pretty easy to grasp I think. You get to, for the rest of your life, have and hold all the amazing parts of your partner—their hot body, beautiful smile, amazing income, hilarious personality, and awesome new house they just bought that you get to move into with them. Lucky you. Isn’t it just absolutely amazing?
But here’s the deal. We need to talk about the “for worse” part of those vows. Because the truth is, every single one of the things I just mentioned as “for betters” could potentially turn into a “for worse” at some point in your marriage. And you need to know that when you speak those vows, you are committing to still stay by their side, if and when those ” for betters” turn into “for worse.” And trust me, they will.
Maybe your wife gains 50 pounds during childbirth and never loses it. Maybe she has terrible stretch marks. Maybe she has severe postpartum depression and turns into a completely different human being than the happy, positive, outgoing person you married. Maybe she can’t have children and she is devastated, and so are you. Maybe you have to go through fertility treatments and it puts infinite strain on your relationship. Maybe she doesn’t feel like she loves you anymore. Maybe your husband takes a desk job and gains 20 pounds a year. Maybe your spouse is in an accident that leaves them disfigured or God forbid, handicapped. Maybe that beautiful smile turns into depression. Maybe that hilarious personality turns acidic and sarcastic when he resents his responsibilities as a husband and father, or she resents her responsibilities as a wife and mother. Maybe he loses his job, and his awesome house. Maybe it gets even worse than that. What if you find out he is a liar? What if you find out she has an addiction problem? What if he gambles and loses all your money, or has a pornography addiction that leaves you feeling like you’re not enough? What if she is selfish and always puts her own needs before your own? What if he doesn’t want to be a father and wasn’t honest with you about that before you married him? What if she is more concerned about her parent’s or her friend’s needs than your needs? What if you feel like an outsider in his family? What if his job is more important than you and your kids? What if a few years into your marriage you look up and realize that when you spoke those words—”for better, or FOR WORSE”—they weren’t just words after all? What if you find yourself living the for worse? Are you going to be prepared for it? Are you still going to be committed to your spouse then?
Marriage isn’t just saying yes to the pretty dress and having the gorgeous wedding with all your friends and family. It’s about so much more than that. After you take off that dress, you will live your for better, and you will live your for worse. THAT is what marriage is. Trust me, it’s all right there in the vows if you will listen. It’s a package deal—for better AND for worse. That is what you are committing to when you stand up there in that pretty white dress.
“Are you listening to what you are saying? Do you mean it? Are you ready to live it? Are you truly ready to commit to this person for better AND for worse? What about the next part of your vows…”
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
Again, the health part is simple. You get to be with them when they are healthy and young and able to climb Mount Kilimanjaro without breaking a sweat, and run a marathon, and pump the weights, and play that sport you think they are oh so hot when they are playing. But what about the other part? In sickness…
Are you prepared to hold their hand while they walk through years of trying to understand and live with a debilitating autoimmune disease? What if she struggles with infertility and can’t carry your child? What about cancer? Are you going to run your household and work and hold their hand and give them their medicine and take care of their every need? What about mental illness? Are you prepared to stand by them when you find out they suffer from severe depression, or anxiety, or again, addiction? Will you stay by their side not only in health, but in sickness as well?
So again I say, “Are you listening? Do you hear what you are saying? Do you know what you are committing to? Are you sure?”
FOR RICHER FOR POORER
It’s oh so easy to say yes when things are good and you’re driving a fancy Lexus and carrying the latest LV he got you. But are you prepared to stand by him when he loses his job and falls into a dark depression? When he takes out a second mortgage on your house without telling you because he is terrified of how he will feel when he has to tell you he doesn’t make enough money to pay the mortgage. Will you still stand by him when he is unemployed for a year and needs you to go back to work full-time? Will you go back to work to support your family if he can’t find a job? Will you support him while he goes back to school to pursue his dreams. What if he comes to you and says, “I want to quit my big corporate job because I have this dream…” Will you sell your big house and stand by his side? Will you encourage him to pursue his dream and do what he was created to do, or will you selfishly tell him to keep the corporate job because it’s what makes you comfortable?
You know the drill…”Are you listening? Do you hear what you are saying? Do you know what you are committing to? For richer AND for poorer—are you sure?”
FORSAKING ALL OTHERS
This one is pretty simple. You have to walk away from that guy at work who keeps telling you how pretty you look, even though it feels really dang good because your husband hasn’t noticed you in 6 months. You don’t get to go on a weekly guys night and stay out til 2 am with your friends who are checking out hot girls. You don’t get to ditch the kids with your husband and go hang out with your girlfriends twice a week while he stays at home and resents you. You don’t get to go to the gym five times a week and flirt with your hot personal trainer because he makes you feel young and more importantly—desired. You literally have to FORSAKE ALL OTHERS and that doesn’t just mean people you might be attracted to, that means anyone and anything that threatens your marriage. What about your family of origin? Does it threaten your marriage? Does your husband or wife feel like an outsider? Because they should feel like number one in your life. Period. What about your best friend? What about your boss? Does your commitment to anyone whatsoever make your spouse feel like they aren’t your first priority? If so, you have to forsake that person and PUT YOUR SPOUSE FIRST.
“Are you listening? Do you hear what you are saying? Do you know what you are committing to? Are you truly ready to FORSAKE ALL OTHERS and put your spouse first in every single way?”
OK.
Zack Morris time out is over.
Go back to your wedding. You look gorgeous. I hope it will be the best day of your life and you will spend forever with that person. But you know what? I think you have a much better chance of that happening if you do one simple thing for me: LISTEN TO YOUR WEDDING VOWS. Take them to heart. Mean what you say. As you look into his eyes and speak those words, prepare yourself for the for better and the for worse, the good times and the bad, the sickness and the health, the times of plenty and the times of want, the times of joy and the times of stress and pain. Because THAT is what you are committing to.
I don’t know. I guess photographing all these weddings over the years has made me think that maybe brides need less people to ask about what their dress looks like, what wedding venue they chose, what color their bridesmaids dresses are, or where they are getting their wedding cake from; Maybe they need more of us who have lived through it to be brave enough to ask them the tough questions like—Why do you want to spend forever with this person? Who are you going to for marriage counseling? Are you going to listen to your wedding vows when you speak them? Do you really want to live with this person not only through the better, but the for worse too?
Sorry I’m not sorry about keeping it real here. I have a daughter. I have nieces. I have people I love who will be the girl standing in the pretty white dress one day….
I’m not trying to scare them. I’m trying to PREPARE them.
So hey pretty girl in the pretty white dress—LISTEN TO YOUR VOWS WHEN YOU SPEAK THEM.
Peace Out.
CC
Oh and just because no post, in my opinion, is complete without some pretty pictures, here are some of my all-time faves frome some of my weddings over the years. I think they all appreciate the fact that I just kept my mouth shut, took pretty pictures, an didn’t take the Zack Morris timeout. My daughter on the other hand, will not be so lucky. And probably my nieces. And all of my best friend’s daughters. Sorry I’m not sorry girls.
