BACK TO SCHOOL – This is that time of year when I feel like I could, quite possibly, have a mental breakdown at any second. I feel like I’m vacillating between all of these conflicting emotions such as: OMG if my kids have one more fight or I have to tell them to get their hands off each other one more time, I just might lose my ever living mind and then: OH NO! My babies are going back to school and they are going to be a year older and I hate, hate, HATE it because I have no control and they are growing up! You see? I’m an absolute crazy person. How can you feel all those things at once??? My friends would also be happy to tell you that I crawl into a dark hole of misery right around back to school because I don’t do lists or details or back to school meetings or rhinestone meetings for dance, very well at all. Everytime I turn around I’m getting a different email about a different meeting or a different activity and to be honest….I feel like my head might explode. So how do I deal?
I plop down on the couch and binge watch the Olympics while drinking green apple perrier mixed with crystal light (my new favorite) and eating Skinny Pop and popsicles. The irony is not lost on me, you guys, that my entire family has spent every evening this week sitting on the couch for a solid 5 hours straight watching the world’s best Olympians – who have no doubt spent their entire life training to be elite athletes – while we support them by eating popcorn and twenty-seven fudgesicles between the 5 of us. Mike Miller had a low moment the other night when someone asked for another fudgesicle and he goes, “Can you stop calling these HEALTHY Carissa? They aren’t healthy! They just aren’t terrible.” I don’t know even know what that means Mike Miller but it’s a whole hell of a lot healthier than the Andy’s frozen custard that I really wanted so stop raining on my parade.
Anyway…The Miller’s are winning zero awards for winning at life right now, or productivity, but we are winning for strongest commitment to sitting on the couch, forgetting all responsibilities, and binge watching the Olympics.
The other night I got out my phone and started writing down the stuff my kids were saying while we were watching the Olympics because you guys, maybe it’s just me, but this stuff is FUNNY. You know that tv show “Kid’s Say the Darndest Things” or whatever it is? Well, that’s what it’s like at the Miller household while we are watching the Olympics.
So without further ado…welcome to the Miller household where we are Olympic athletes in couch sitting and cheering for the good old U – S – A!!!
Brown Medals
Cohen Miller: “Easton did that girl just win the brown?”
Easton (slightly annoyed): “It’s bronze Cohen.”
Cohen (completely ignoring Easton per the usual): “Is she really happy about winning the brown?” he asks as he continually looks back and forth – with confusion – at the tv and Easton.
Easton: no answer
Cohen (getting increasingly more confused and frustrated) : “Why Easton? Why is she excited about winning brown?”
Easton: “It’s BRONZE Cohen! And yes she’s excited because she just won an Olympic medal.”
Cohen (long confused pause): “Easton is she really happy she won the brown?”
Emmy’s take on the Olympics
“They should add dancing to the Olympics. Mom…why is there no dancing on the Olympics?”
Easton: “I mean I agree. If there is shooting in the Olympics why can’t they have dancing?”
Emmy: “Totally. There is pole vaulting but no dancing? I mean come on!”
Totally valid point, I would argue. Anyone know anyone on the Olympic committee and can we get some dancing please in 2020?
Easton on gymnasts
Easton: “Is that a child with lipstick on mom? Because they literally look like some of the 6th grade girls at my school who wear way too much makeup.”
Cohen on Swimming
“Easton did he beat the world record? Easton I said DID HE BEAT THE WORLD RECORD?!?!”
Easton: no answer
Cohen (long pause): “Easton is that guy wearing lipstick who just beat the world record?”
Also, my kids are obsessed with Michael Phelps. Like OBSESSED. No one else in the entire Olympics pretty much exists to them except Michael Phelps. So, when Michael Phelps swam in the relay it was VERY confusing to Cohen. Well it’s all very confusing to Cohen obviously. He doesn’t understand why there isn’t an overall winner. As in, he asks Easton obsessively, “But who wins the whole thing? Easton WHO WINS THE WHOLE THING?” Then he doesn’t listen to the explanation. I don’t know where he gets it from. Ok, I do. He’s so much like me it’s frightening. But anyway…he was particularly confused about the USA relay and it was a stressful two minutes for him, and for the entire family because he wouldn’t stop peppering us with the exact same questions.
“Easton does Michael Phelps get a medal??”
Easton: “Yes bubba they all get a medal if they win. It’s a relay.”
Long pause: “Easton!!! When is Michael Phelps going. Is Michael Phelps getting the medal or that guy.”
Easton: “Cohen they all get a medal.” Easton’s patience literally amazes me.
The next swimmer goes. Cohen gets increasingly more distressed.
“Is it Michael Phelp’s turn yet? Easton is that guy going to win the medal or Michael Phelps?”
Easton: “Cohen, they all get a medal. I told you, it’s a relay. Yes, Michael Phelps gets a medal.”
Next guy goes.
You guessed it: “EASTON!!!! Does that guy get the gold medal or Michael Phelps?”
This literally continued until he finally saw Michael Phelps with the gold medal on, at which point, he seemed extremely relieved. The only thing that matters to Cohen is if Michael Phelps gets his 227th Olympic medal. Forget the 18 year old who is swimming in his first ever Olympics. Geez Cohen.
Cohen on Volleyball
“Why are they in sand with no shoes on?”
“Easton why don’t they put shoes on?”
“Easton why aren’t they wearing any shoes?”
“Easton do boys play volleyball?”
“Are all people from China bad at volleyball?” (Random and I don’t know where this came from but I guess his observation was that if you are from China you aren’t good at volleyball?”
Cohen on Fencing
“Easton WHAT IS THAT?!?!” Gets up frantically, as if he’s almost frightened, and starts pointing at the tv. Easton ignores him because he basically will probably lose his mind if he doesn’t learn to tune Cohen out. Cohen literally gets distressed – again. He starts pointing over and over at the Olympians on the tv screen – in fencing outfits. “EASTON I SAID WHAT IS THAT???” Cohen doesn’t even give Easton an opportunity to answer. “WHAT ARE THEY DOING? Easton what are they doing? Are they fighting with swords? They fight with swords in the Olympics?”
I hear ya Cohen Miller. I mean, I agree with Emmy on this one. If fencing is an Olympic sport, is it really too much to ask to add dancing in 2020?
That’s all. Peace out from the Miller’s. I’m guessing you know where to find us tonight. And every night until the Olympics are over for that matter. #onthecouch
Ps. I’m definitely not winning any Olympic medals for laundry and house cleaning right now either. Mike Miller can you get me another Fudgesicle please? They are SO healthy.
