I’ve been thinking about the space between a lot lately and thinking about the space between has made me think about Indiana Jones. Yes, Indiana Jones.
(Quick side note -the above picture has absolutely nothing to do with the space between or Indiana Jones. It’s just the view I was looking at when I wrote this post a few months ago on our beach trip that we took and being that I am a photographer, I really feel that no post is complete without a pretty picture, so clearly it had to be included.)
Back to Indiana Jones…Indiana Jones was always one of my favorite movies. I know, it’s an odd favorite movie choice for a little girl, but what can I say? I’m a sucker for those action/adventure flicks, especially when they involve world travel and history and a terrible romantic sub-plot. My personal fave was always Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Sean Connery joining Harrison Ford as good old “Indy” to play his father? It was a dream come true. I loved how he went after his kidnapped father to save him even though they had been estranged for years. I loved how he followed the clues in his father’s diary, leading him to the Holy Grail. I loved how it was their mutual love of archaeology and history and ultimately, each other, that allowed Indiana to be the only one who could decipher his dad’s clues.
Yep. I loved Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade and there was one scene that always stood out to me more than all the others. It was the scene where Indy reads the clue “Only he who leaps from the lion’s mouth will prove his worth.” Indy figures out what no one else before him has when he reads the passage from his dad’s diary. He realizes that he has to climb onto the stone lion he sees before him and take a step of faith from the lion’s mouth into what looks like a deep chasm of unknown depths, a black, bottomless pit of nothingness where he could fall to his death.
That scene always completely freaked me out. Sure the other things he had to do were difficult, but they were feats of strength or skill. This was a leap of absolute faith. This was stepping from a lion’s mouth into utter darkness and having no clue whether or not he would fall to his death into a deep, dark, bottomless chasm lying before him, or if somehow, miraculously, his feet would find solid ground.
That scene reminds me of the space between.
For me, the space between is that place you come to in your life when it’s time to let go of what was in order to head toward what will be. It’s that time in your life when you don’t know where you are going, but you do know that you can’t stay exactly where you have been. It’s that time in your life when you have no idea where you are supposed to be but you know it most definitely isn’t where you are right now. It’s when you realize that in order to be who you want to be in the future, you have to let go of unhealthiness from your past that handicaps you and prevents you from moving forward toward something better. It’s that time when you have to take a step of faith from the lion’s mouth and you find yourself in utter darkness, hoping and praying that the miraculous hidden path that showed itself to Indiana Jones when he had the courage to take that step, will somehow miraculously show itself to you.
The space between is leaving all your friends from high school and the comfort and safety of your parent’s protection to go off to college. It’s moving from a place you know everyone to somewhere that you know no one. It’s letting go of an unhealthy relationship when you are afraid of being alone or of feeling the void of that person’s presence missing in your life. It is making changes that lead you from who you have been toward who you want to be. It is leaving your secure and comfortable job to become self employed or make a much needed career change. It is leaving behind the unhealthiness of your past in the pursuit of a happier and healthier future. It is moving away from who you have been so that you can move toward who you want to be. It is letting go of someone, or somewhere, or something that is no longer right for you. It is feeling this inexplicable force pulling you into a place that is unknown – a force telling you, if you dare to listen, that what is behind you is no longer meant to be and that you are meant to step into the darkness of the unknown. You are meant to step into the space between.
The space between is perhaps one of the scariest things in life to me. For someone who battles anxiety and fear of loss of control, the space between is borderline horrific. Not knowing how it’s all going to turn out, not knowing if my foot will find that path, not knowing if I will hit the solid ground or fall into the bottomless depths of the chasm below. Yes, I’ll admit it. The space between is scary as hell for me.
I have faced the space between many times. I faced it when I was a 14 year old rebellious and angry girl who left her family and everything she knew to move to Dallas, where she knew no one except a loving aunt and uncle who had agreed to take her into their home. I have faced the space between when I left the friends I had grown to love in Dallas to move with my parents to a new city, Tulsa. I have faced the space between when I decided to start a photography business with three young babies under the age of four at home with me. I have faced the space between as an adult when I fought changes that were taking place in my life that were completely necessary although I didn’t understand them at the time so I felt hurt and confused and frustrated. I have faced the space between with my husband when we lost his father to cancer and everything in our life was changing, including us both choosing to become self employed. In all these circumstances, I look back and I realize that I didn’t know where I was going. I was Indiana Jones, stepping into a black chasm of unknown depths, hoping and praying my feet would find solid ground. I look back at each time I’ve been in the space between and I realize that although each situation was unique, they were completely the same. It was me in a place that I was no longer supposed to be, a place that no longer felt right, no longer felt safe. It was me feeling disoriented, not knowing where I was supposed to be other than that I wasn’t supposed to stay there any longer. It was me feeling scared to death because all I could see was blackness in front of me, but I kept feeling a force pushing me to take a step of faith straight into that terrifying darkness. It was me not taking that step because I was frightened of falling. It was me being scared of the space between.
Helen Keller said, “when one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
Helen must have known about the space between – the space between one door closing and you finding yourself in the dark, afraid and feeling alone, until the other door slowly cracks open and you see the light of where you are supposed to go seep back into the darkness and illuminate your path.
I’m learning to become more comfortable with the space between. I’m learning to look back and remember the times that I’ve been there before. I’m learning to remember that although the space between is scary and dark and lonely and frightening, once your foot finds the ground on the other side, it is a beautiful and freeing feeling that I find difficult to express with words. It is safety. It is belonging. It is peace. It is strength. It is knowing you had the faith to step into the darkness of the space between in order to get to the other side, the place where you belong, the place you are meant to be, the place you fit, the place you find comfort, safety, and peace.
Stepping into the space between led me to my husband. Stepping into the space between led me to a photography business and more importantly, to recognizing that I am a creative and passionate being who feels happiest when I am writing, taking pictures, decorating, cooking, designing, just creating. Stepping into the space between led me to friends who love me for being me, flawed that I am, and who help me be a better mother, a better wife, and give me a safe place to feel encouraged, supported, and loved. Stepping into the space between led me to a church that feels like home and gives me a place to serve and grow. Having the courage to step into the space between, has changed my life.
So next time I’m in the space between I hope I’m less frightened than I was the last time I was there. Next time I’m in the space between I hope someone who loves me takes my hand and looks at me with love and understanding and says “Carissa, you are in the space between. It’s ok to be scared and afraid but take a deep breath and remember that it’s just temporary. You won’t always be in the space between. You won’t always be in the dark. Trust. Have faith. Hope. Look for the light and step from the darkness of the space between toward the light of where you are supposed to go. ”
Because if there is one thing I’ve learned, it is this: The harder I fight stepping into the space between because I’m frightened to leave the comfort of the familiar, the longer I prolong the beauty of experiencing the light and peace that waits for me on the other side of the space between.
Hi. My name is Carissa. I am 34 years old and I’m becoming comfortable with the space between.
